Killer Mike feat. Bernie Sanders – Mixtape from Hell?

In his second satire article, Josh Hollandsworth reviews Killer Mike's interview with Bernie Sanders

Feeling the Bern

Last month, Killer Mike finally released his long-awaited series of interviews with Bernie Sanders. As the Red Party’s resident liberal democratic socialist I HAD to write a report with my reactions on it! As a liveblog of the talk I will be posting my direct reactions to each segment with a timestamp. So feel free to check out the videos yourself and follow along!

 

Segment 1/6: Economic Freedom

01:50 Mike: “FDR’s plans were considered socialism”

Not only were FDR’s plans considered socialism, but they WERE socialism. I mean it had government programs, and those are basically the most socialist things in all of existence. Sadly this also included a bit of Stalinism because of the whole interning Japanese-Americans thing, but that’s why we need Bernie- because he’s going to make socialism good. Luckily I hear most of them were good sports about it because FDR had such a charming personality!

03:10 Sanders: “Socialism means economic rights”

Exactly! This is why I don’t understand those radical leftist who keep using those big terms like proletariat, means of production, etc. True socialism is defined by the right to have healthcare. All that other stuff is non-democratic socialism, and we don’t want any of that.

03:50 Sanders: “Democratic Socialism means everybody has a minimal standard of living”

Same feelings as above. I’ve heard of this song made by socialists, The Internationale. I’m pretty sure the last line went “Scandinavian Socialism™ shall be the human race!”. And I would totally agree with that.

05:00 Sanders: “We should not be having the highest level of childhood poverty of almost any country”

To quote what Bernie said before about the accidental death and riots in Baltimore, “We need to get these kids off the streets”. Maybe building some basketball courts and community centers would help? I know in a Democratic Socialist world there would be plenty to go around!

 

Segment 2/6: Social Justice

00:15 FIST BUMP

#BernieBump #Bump4Bernie #OneofUs

LET’S GET THIS SHIT TRENDING! Maybe we’ll even outrank #BabesforBernie

00:25 Sanders: “I never got into politics”

Him to a T! I heard back before he was a Democratic Socialist he was with this group of guys called the Liberty Union Party. And because they were a political party or something like that he got so frustrated that he left and became an independent. That’s how much he hates politics!

04:00 – 04:30 Sanders talks about companies outsourcing overseas…

See, I’ve never really trusted the Chinese because they take our jobs. If we take those jobs and make Americans do them we’ll be much better! Bernie’s saying what we’re all thinking here.

05:20 Mike references right-wing critics who say “You’re gonna lead us to socialism, communism”

BERNIE WOULD NEVER DO THAT! What are these teapublicans thinking!?

 

Segment 3/6: Rigged Economy

02:10 Mike: “How do you know you won’t be stifled by big money?”

Well that’s why we got our own Super PACs to support him! They’ve got our backs!

02:45 Sanders: “Let’s put a tax on speculation”

That would be great! Far better than when the banks were deregulated in 2000. That was a big contributor to the 2008 recession. From what I know about Sanders, I’m glad he didn’t vote for that!

Man, I am REALLY digging all these compliments Killer Mike is giving Sanders! It seems that they’re coming up in between almost every thing I reference now and I really appreciate it. They give me time to nod my head and jot down my thoughts

04:20 Mike: “I’m not saying he’s part two of Barack Obama”

But I would be okay with that!

04:50 Sanders: “Politics are treated like sports or drama by the media”

Yeah, it’s crazy! We reduce all our opinions to just a few snippets. An excellent point indeed. I’ve heard it from good sources of mine that when Sanders becomes President he’s going to break up all the media conglomerates and replace them with publicly-owned cooperatives. Then they’ll all be feeling the Bern! I haven’t heard the details of it from anybody else, but this source is good. He’s the same guy that told me about how Sander’s voted against deregulating banks.

05:50-08:00 Talking about MLK Jr…

See this is how I know Bernie is THE guy to make decisions about race relations, because he supported MLK in the ’60s!

09:30 Talking about MLK’s death…

That truly was a terrible day, when he got killed by police Lt. Earl Clar- I MEAN JAMES EARL RAY! But yeah, very sad day.

10:15 Mike: “There’s an agenda to make people choose teams”

That’s why I love Bernie, because he NEVER chooses teams. He’s only even joining the Democrats because he has to!

10:40 Fist bump alert! 

#BernieBump #Bump4Bernie #OneofUs

 

11:00 On white and black workers being turned against each other…

This is really important to me, and I know that means it’ll be an important campaign point to him as well! Just imagine, all he has to do is get elected and we can start taking serious actions against institutional racism!

11:30 Mimicking right-wingers about “Those people want to take your jobs!”

Haha, those guys are silly! But I really do believe the Mexican one though. Those guys REALLY DO want our jobs. Bernie told us so, he called open border policy a “Koch Brothers proposal”. I’d never thought of it that way before but it makes perfect sense! American jobs for Americans only!

 

Segment 4/6: Free Health Care: It Ain’t a Big Deal

01:00 – 01:30 Bernie: “The right depends on keeping people from voting”

Absolutely. The good thing is that Democrats have always worked together with independents to make sure that everybody can vote for whomever they want. That guy I told you about before told me, he said that only the Republicans have ever sued third parties to keep them off a ballot.

02:00 Bernie: “They are NOT radical ideas!”

That’s Scandinavian Socialism™!

04:57 Mike: “…Socialism or Social Democracies”

WHOAH. WHOAH. HOLD UP THERE. What the hell is Social Democracy? This is just about Socialism because that’s what Bernie is! GET THAT CONFUSING CRAP OUTTA HERE! We don’t need any wrong labels applied to him!

07:45 Discussion about how the “war on drugs” affects black communities

This is really important to me. If we legalize marijuana then that’s one less crime black people can be disproportionately jailed for! Also we all wanna blaze amirite guys? #420forBernie #Bernitup #Blaze4Bern

Looks like this segment is coming to a close soon, but I just want to comment that I am truly impressed by how Bernie can say “blacks” when talking about the race of people and it doesn’t upset Killer Mike, an ACTUAL black person! This is how you KNOW he’s “woke”; he’s basically a black friend at this point.

 

Segment 5/6: This Country Was Started As An Act Of Political Protest

01:20 Sanders: “If the political system is corrupt it doesn’t mean you walk away from it, it means you engage and fight back.”

Exactly! There were some cool socialists during the Russian Civil War who voted against the Tsar and also against the Bolsheviks. Their slogan was, “Electoral defeat to all who stand in the way of obtaining the freedom of working people!” Truer words could never be found to describe fighting the system.

02:45 Referencing the BLM interruption…

I’m glad Bernie held himself back and acted respectful. That truly shows how great he is. BUT THOSE DAMN PROTESTORS DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR THEM! LOOK AT HIS HISTORY, THEY BASICALLY *HAVE* TO SUPPORT HIM!

04:30 Talking about playing into fears of other nationalities to advance a political agenda…

As long as you’re not ISIS I don’t care if you’re a Muslim. I remember seeing a town hall video where Bernie said that the Palestinians were getting weapons from ISIS or something. For some reason everybody got mad at him after that! Don’t be afraid of him because he’s telling the truth, guys!

06:30 Mike: “So in my shop, it’s like ‘Martin, Malcolm, Bernie!”

YESSSSSS! I know Martin and Malcolm would both be incredibly humbled by their comparison to Bernie. He truly is our new black civil rights champion. What an absolutely PERFECT ending to this segment!

06:40 Fist bump!

#BernieBump #Bump4Bernie #OneofUs

 

Segment 6/6: Democrats Win When People Vote

 

00:28 Mike: “I am a capitalist backing a socialist president”

Don’t worry Killer Mike, in spite of the countless people below you who must have been exploited by your music I’m still sure Bernie will forgive you. That’s just the kind of guy he is.

00:40 Mike: “Make sure you know that Bernie can win”

See, there’s this blog run by a bunch of losers called fivethirtyeight.com. They’re obviously just a bunch of secret Shillarys because they use some sort of fuzzy math to calculate candidate support amongst important people in the party. And they say Hillary has 457 points and Bernie Sanders has 2! THESE guys obviously don’t know that Bernie is going to win! I bet they’ll be eating crow in no time…

03:45 Bernie: “No gun control in Vermont”

See guys, it can work. All 626,562 people in Vermont can own any gun they want. And that’s including their 6,277 black people! They can all use guns for hunting any time they want!

05:00 Mike: “Constitution protects our right to own ANY gun, including assault rifles because they protect against tyranny”

WHAT!? THAT’S RADICAL! THAT’S BOLSHEVISM! STALINISM! YOU CAN’T DO THAT! Oh my god how can he disagree with Bernie? This is Bernie’s video for Christ’s sake. Oh God this is turning into a shitstorm I can’t handle this…

05:50 Bernie: “Well that’s one we’ll just disagree on”

PHEW. Bernie really is ready to handle even the toughest of haters. He knows that the more you discuss a disagreement the worse it makes you look. This guy is ready for Washington

05:55 Fist bump.

Okay, everything’s good #BernieBump #Bump4Bernie #OneofUs

07:20 Mike: “If assault weapons get banned it’s okay because Americans can still own guns”

Exactly Mike. Don’t push your luck with these guns that are only meant to kill people! We shouldn’t be able to have those, every Socialist knows that!

If there were one other weakness to the video, it’s that they ended it with a handshake. Why not a fist bump? #BernieBump #Bump4Bernie #OneofUs

 

Oh well, that’s the end of the interview. I hope all of you have learned a lot about Bernie’s stance on things, and that more importantly you agree with all of them! I know my notes were a little rough but I was typing them on the spot, so hey. Without a doubt what I can tell from this set
of interviews is that Scandinavian Democratic Socialism™ truly is the future for America. It will replace our Crony Capitalism with Smart Capitalism, and that’s what we really need: a better Capitalism.

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