Feel the Bern!

Josh Hollandsworth explores the mind of an American liberal. Dangerous levels of satire follow!

Sanders' original recipe for socialism

As a liberal socialist, Bernie Sanders has my vote for 2016. Here’s why you should vote for him too.

Bernie Sanders will do his part to make socialism happen here. I mean he even calls himself a democratic socialist! That means more public libraries, firehouses, military spending… maybe even bridges! Because when you think about it, ANY government spending is socialism! I saw it on a meme shared by one of his fans; it showed all the public works programs which count as socialism: police, the FBI, vaccines… But let’s make socialism happen for the people, not for corporations! We’ve had enough corporate socialism over the last few decades after all.

Of course his radicalism is sure to make right-wingers’ heads explode, but what I found really surprising is that there are people on the left who try to criticize him too! Especially those Black Lives Matter folks; don’t those people know that Bernie is the best for them!? HE SUPPORTED CIVIL RIGHTS 50 YEARS AGO! And then there are these self-righteous socialists who say Bernie isn’t “really” one of them. Um, don’t they realize his entire platform is basically about how capitalism sucks? What about that other socialist in Seattle, that… Kshama? I forget how to say it exactly but she totally supports Bernie, and she’s a REAL socialist! And if Bernie isn’t really on the far left, then why does the Communist Party of the United States endorse him huh? Is that not “radical” enough for you?

One of the biggest criticisms from the left is about Palestine. Okay yeah, I’m not saying I agree with that, but hey free college! And legal marijuana! Besides, all the others do the same thing anyways, so when you think about it Bernie really is the best. And I don’t want to hear you criticize Bernie if you can’t tell me of somebody else to vote for (who will win the election)!

It’s important to understand that even though socialism has always been bad, Bernie will make it good. He’s a democratic socialist after all, just like they have in Denmark and Sweden. Not one of those Marxist socialists! I really don’t get why other socialists (We in the Sanders group call them “tankies”) complain about him. He’ll do for the term socialist what Democrats have done for progressive!

But anyways, enough about all that. Let’s get this political revolution rolling!


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